Noah's Angry Ark
by Duke 'The King' Nukem
Summary: Noah has to collect 2 of every animal, but when God commands Noah to collect 2 of each Angry Bird things really begin to heat up for Noah! Can he calm the wrath of these enraged avians before the world comes to an end?
1. Chapter 1

The world had gone to ruin. Mankind had stepped too far beyond the words of their Holy Ruler and God was begining to get pretty pissed off.  
"Awe shit, this world is not turning out at all like I wanted to man." God murmured to himself in agony, "If only life had action replay codes, I could reset this savestate man but nope I fucked it up. Shame I'm not all powerful enough to change that, oh well who have I got left." God slid his finger down his contacts list. The supreme holy lord knew that he would one day need to sort through his contacts properly, but for now he would continue to be lazy with his iPhone 9 and just keep throwing everyone onto one list.  
"Ah! Noah, yeah that crackalacka seems to be pretty coo still. I'll give him a call when I reload my minutes." God was strapped for cash at the moment, as he had been putting all of his funds towards a new crib for his homies to dish out their weed in. Also he had to buy a crib for the up and coming baby Jesus who would be his kid and thus he would choose favourites.

Noah was chillaxin up on the ol' hill when suddenly God appeared before him in the form of a massive, throbbing, KFC disposable drink cup.  
"Sup" God proclaimed.  
"Wow, I really should've listened to my dealer when he said this shit was wiggidy wack, that's the last time I ignore Mario."  
"Nah Noah, is me God! I give you grand mission now to save all creatures!"  
Noah was preplexed, "All creatures? Maaaaaan watchu talkin bout, God?"  
God gave Noah a discerning glare as he shook his bendy straw, "Ye foo, I'm wiping out the planet and ya'll gotta save the animals from my flood. Unless you want them all to die and to have PETA on your ass 23/5"  
"But God dammit, doesn't that make you the bad guy?"  
"HEY!" With that God shot a thunderbolt right on Noah's no-no parts, "Choose your next words carefully, Noah. They could be your last as king... of the shepherds of games King of games Noah now looks like Yugi.  
"Alright God, Jesus Christ chill your booties, I'll get your poopoo platter altogether for the big party!"  
"You dumb shit Noah, Jesus hasn't been born yet, holy christ stop spoiling my novel" And with that the giant drink cup spit down pillowy mounds of gravy sauce and vanished.

Noah was left startled, flushted and handed. How would he find every animal? Let alone a male and female counterpart for each? And that in mind, would they be straight? What if he got 2 pigs that wanted plain hotdogs without buns? Well, I suppose they'd both want buns, but one of em would want like, Idk, some big ham bags in the front, well I guess if the gay pig is a chubby chaser he might want them too but let's just say they both only take dick and we cant get them to fuck opposite genders?  
Anyhow, that dilema aside Noah got one of every coupled animals, by which I mean he got all the pairs of animals and shoved em into the Ark that he built that I forgot to detail him building but I'm pretty sure you can imagine that one on your own.  
"Whew, getting all these animals and building this Ark sure took a lot of work, Jesus fuck I'm tired."  
"NOAH!" God reappeared once again, this time taking the form of Wendy of Wendy's fame, but not the realistic Wendy that appears in the commercials where it's the actual woman but like the cartoon Wendy that appears on all the signs. Or maybe just Wendy from Casper, I'll let your imagination decide, "NOAH how many times must I tell you about using the J word?"  
"You mean jimmies? Did I rustle your jimmies, God? U mad bro?"  
At this point God screamed in both terror, pain, agony and wrath,  
"FUCK."  
Noah was damn scared."  
"Noah you munching bunchin little munchin, YOU DIDN'T GET ALL THE ANIMALS!"  
"Whatchu talkin bout God, I got every single one, except the Unicorn, I still can't find that one."  
"You dumb nerd, that butt bangin horse isn't important right now, what about all the birds!?"  
"I thought 2 of each was fine?"  
"NO NOAH, YOU MISSED SOME! WHERE ARE THE ANGRY BIRDS!?"  
Noah had not heard of these "angry birds" before, but he knew he'd better well find them before God had anything to do about it.  
"NOAH IF YOU DONT FIND ME 2 OF EACH ANGRY BIRD AND GET THEM ON THIS ARK THEN SO HELP ME BOY I'M GIVIN U A WHOOPIN RIGHT TO DOWNSVILLE, BY WHICH I MEAN I'M GIVING YOU A HEMORHOID!"  
Noah hated hemorhoids, he figured he'd better find them birds, and find em now. There would be time to fap to the thoughts of sweet unicorn later (Noah is a brony in this fic) for now he would find all the birds. For good.  
End of Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

_"The coming of Noah was said to be a great one, but all I see before my eyes is a bird…"_

**Noah's Angry Ark**

**Chapter 2: Noah uses a flash bang to kill some dogs.**

Noah had no fucking idea what an Angry Bird was, or where he would be able to find one. Two*. So he decided that he would ride that naughty ark all the way to the jungle. The jungle was full of plants and bugs (Authors note: Noah did not have to catch any bugs.). Noah then heard what sounded like birds in the trees.  
_"Omigosh! That… That sounds like a bird!"_ Noah shouted!

Little did Noah know, the sounds he was hearing were not birds. They were the cries of infant elephants. The elephants came up to Noah and started playfully tugging on his robes.

_"Sorry little fellas, only two of each species."_ Noah took out his sling shot and put the elephants gently to sleep with it.

Noah looked around and saw many different types of jungle plants.

_"Dayumn look at all these plants. Is someone here doin a massive grow-op or something?"_

Noah started experimenting with smoking different kinds of plants to see what would, and what wouldn't get him high as a kite. Noah found some flash bangs behind a plant and put them in his pocket for later. A snug of weed grew little green lips.  
"_Oh cool. I wonder of this weed can suck my dick_." But the weed spoke before Noah could lift up his scrubs.

"_Noah stop! It is I, Moses, I have a message from the almighty father that I must pass unto you_."

Noah brought the weed snug up to his ear and listened to its words.

"_God demands that you follow his Pintrest. That is all._"

And in a puff of smoke, Moses disappeared. Noah was sad because he never got to light up that snug, but alas, he now had a reason to use his 3G. Noah checked out the Lords Pinboard where he saw an interesting article that he assumed was directed at him. The title of the article was: 'Noah you dumb shit, in order to find a Birds, you must THINK LIKE A BIRD!'

Noah snapped his fingers.

"_HOT DOG, GOD!_"

So Noah went to KFC so that he could put some bird in his body. If he had parts of a bird inside him, maybe it would help him to think like one, he thought. Noah grabbed a thigh part and looked at it.

"_A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!_"

Noah would regret eating so many lickin chicken buckets, but it had to be done for the birds safety. Noah heard bird noises again.

"_Those noises, they are sounding like birds. They are coming from the kitchen oooooh go figure._"

Noah went to the backdoor of the KFC establishment and attempted to put some C4 in front of the back door so that he could break into the kitchen and find birds. Noah then was chased by a rabid bunch of dogs that the manager sent after him for trying to break into 'employee only' areas. Noah's sling-shot proved to be a sling-shit and had no effect on the dogs, so instead he threw a flash bang at them. They died. The C4 blew down the door. Noah prayed.

"_For the love of god, please let me find these fuckin angy bids_."

Noah set foot inside the kitchen, only to find a nest full of what appeared to be body-less bird heads. Noah thought he was too late and started bashing his head into the wall until he noticed that _these are the birds he was looking for_.

"_Wow, why don't you birds have bodies?_" Noah asked the red colored bird.

"_Sqwuack! NOAH JUST GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE BECOME A BUCKET OF POP CORN CHICKEN!_"

Noah had brought the birds back to his ark, but also threw a few flash bangs behind him into the KFC dining area, as he was not satisfied with his meal.

"_It was kind of dry, it tasted similar to that of shit._" Noah wrote on a customer complaint sheet.

Noah had put the large nest of Angry Birds safe and sound on his ark and gave God a ring on his black berry.

"_Hey almighty father? I got the Angry Birds. So is everything good to go now for the flood and all that pazazz?_" Noah was sipping a Capri-sun juice pack and writing his journeys in a small book. GOD SPOKE.

"_Noah, you don't have the Blue Bird. Troll harder. G-man, out._" And just like that, God had hung up on Noah. Noah was mad, you bet he was! He decided he would ask the other birds if they knew where the blue one was.

"_YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE AVIANS ARE CAUSING ME SO MUCH STRESS! WHERE IS YOUR BLUE BALLED BASTARD BRO BIRD AT?_" This screaming had caused the yellow bird to shed a few tears and then the toucan answered Noah.

"_Idk_"

Noah let out a rippin bad fart and went to his quarters. He had to find the Blue Bird. Where could it be? Did the people at KFC hold a grudge against Noah? Will the Mighty Eagle take a mighty dump on the ark? Where is Pirate Captain? All these questions and more will be answered, on the next episode of… _Histories Wacky Mysteries!_


	3. Chapter Triple

"3, count em 3, that's the amount of birds they come in."  
"Isn't that the same as the amount of chapters we're on?"  
"Yes those are bird words"

Noah had travelled long in search of the remaining angry bird, the blue bird. Over scorching desert, frozen tundra, and even up Shit's Creek and yet Noah was having no luck.

"LOL I BET THERE AREN'T ANY BLUE BIRDS, ARE THERE GOD? U TROLIN ME BRO? HAH TROLL HARDER!" Noah shouted indignantly. His shout was met by a shocking blast of thunder, as Zeus spawned before him.

"NOAH, U LITTLE **SHIT** I AINT TROLLIN! I DONT DO DAT NOW** GET BACK TO WORK**!" with that God vanished.

"Well shit." Noah murmured.  
The blue bird was a rare bird. It was a special bird. It was blue. Noah found it, it was under the couch cushions all along.

"That naughty little rascal" Noah remarked, however the bird exploded upon contact with Noah's hand into 3 separate birds, "Well shit, this isn't good. I need only TWO birds. Guess one of you is going back to the Colonel."  
The birds cried in agony as Noah lifted up their third compadre, violently they began to peck, and ravage Noah until he was forced to put the animal aside, "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, HOLY SHIT U LITTLE BLUE FUK I'LL TAKE ALL 3 OF U"

Noah got back to the ark. He put all 3 on the boat and BAM.

"YO NOAH IS ME GOD, U BETTER NOT BE PUTTIN 3 BIRDS ON DAT SHIP, DAWG."

"Nope."  
"K good... WAIT, YOU AINT TROLLIN ME AGAIN R U DAWG?"

"Nope." Noah's face contorted into a funee and original silly face of a trickster.

"Alright man, cause if you put 3 birds on dat ship you'd encur the wrath of the Gods man, and I don't think ur ready for that lol." God lol'd. Noah gave God an angry fuckin stare except God wasnt there, so he just kinda stared at the birds, filling them with fear and or an erection.  
Noah put the birds onboard. Lightning hit hard, water began to raise.

"OH SHIIIIIIIIIT." The flood had begun, "YO GOD? I thought I still had some time?"

"Lol yeah sorry Noah" God responded, "I suddenly got this nervous twitch to make the flood begin immediately as soon as you put the last TWO birds on the ship lol. Idk, I feel kinda like I've been trolled. Weird, huh? Ha ha!"  
God left Noah to the flood. Noah couldn't swim, he jumped in the boat with scaredness on his eyes.  
"OH YO NOAH ONE MORE FAVOUR" God boomed, "YEAH, UMM I FORGOT **YOU NEED 2 OF EACH SKYLANDER** TOO, BUT I BET YOU GOT EM ALREADY EH?"

Noah was fucked. God would surely smite him upon the divine realization that he had no skylanders. The cost of a beginner kit was just too much in his opinion, but if he was going to please the almighty lord he'd have to make sacrifices.  
Noah ran into the almighty storm. The flood was raising slowly, Noah was sure he had atleast about 3 more chapters before he'd be fucked. Gamestop was just ahead, he knew he had to get there at all costs, but his wee lil noah legs began to fail him.

"**Fuck**" noah remarked.

"Caw" the angry birds came to Noah's rescue! "Noah! We shall repay you for your mercy, for letting our 3 blue brothers live!" Red Bird exclaimed.

"Oh red bird, you always know just what to say..." Noah murmured. Noah knew it couldnt be true but it was. He was falling madly in love with Red Bird, but he couldn't. Man on bird homosexual cheating relationships would PISS GOD THE FUCK OFF and Noah was a goody goody too shoes so he wouldn't do dat. No way hose brutha. MMMMMM brutha.

Noah got to Best B- Game stop. Gamestop man says to Noah:  
"WOULD U LIKE BUY THE NEW CALL OF JURAREZ MAP PACK" and then Noah responds wit his snapback on tight: "No. Gimme 2 of every Skylander"  
The man does so, then sighs a heavy manlike sigh.

"WHO TOUCH MY GUN" it was heavy man weapon of course, but you all knew that. "WE HAVE NO BOOM BOOM"

"The fuck is a boom boom?" asked Noah with great curiosity. Heavy points to his gun, which is of course anthromorphic and points to a sign that shows all the skylanders. A small green goblin is all that Noah was missing.  
"Well shit on my stockings for Christmas, I guess I've gotta go to another store."

"NO LUCK, NO BOOM BOOM, WHO TOUCHED MY BOOM BOOM. I AM HEAVY RUSSIAN MAN"  
Noah got the angery birds to talk to angry man and all angry every angry calmed down.

"Hey, I think we can help eachother!" a noise came from Noah's shopping back. The old bearded man slipped it open to reveal none other than Activision licensed fan favourite Spyro the Dragon TM!

"And what's a wee little dragon **pansy** like u gonna do to help me?" Noah pulled a shrek in his tongue. Spyro cried out, "Like dude I know where Boomer is! He was taken by our arch nemesis and not good friend of evil Kaos!"

"Lol who"

"lol he's my bad guy u dumshit havent u played my hit new game?"  
Noah spent the remaining 30 mins explaining to Skyro that he did not purchase Activisions new money grabber because although he was sure that it was not a terrible title he was not willing to shell out $200 in extras for their unlockable Team memetress 2 esque hats and he did not want his friends calling him a massive babyboy fcukface for playing it on his wii and looking like a total pusspansy. Spyro nodded, sad to realize how much of his dignity had been converted to cash, but then he smiled a toothy smile grin because he knew how great the currency exchange from dignity to cash was and he pulled up his limo and said:  
"We don't have much tiem with the flood so I'm gonna call my sony God of Death friend to fight your God."  
Noah didn't like this but what was done must be did, so he called up his niga Kratos and was like, "Yo Krato man fight God." And Kratos is a pretty friendly nigga so he was like "RAH RAH RAH RAH" and hung up, which is Spartan for "Yes but only if Skyro gives me a "handy manny" afterwards"

Now Noah was on his way,_ cuddled up to_ Red Bird in Spyro's limozeen for the biggest adventure battle ever. Could he stop Kaos and save the earth's 2 of every populationmal for a good new bible end? Or would God triumph over Kratos and drown Noah for his traitourous furry love triangle?  
Stay tuuuuuned... _OOOOOOOOOOH~~~_


End file.
